Emma was such an easy baby.
She started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old. Although she usually threw up on me EVERYTIME
she ate…she was pretty easy to deal with.
She was happy and fun. She went
through the ‘normal stages.’ Everyone
told me that the Terrible Twos were actually the Terrible Threes, so I just
thought that I was getting the Terrible 2’s and 3’s and SURELY there was a
light at the end of this tunnel.
At the
age of 4…I was frustrated because it seemed as if things were not
changing. Let me take you through a
‘typical day.’
We would get up and get ready for the day. Emma would SCREAM, CRY, and FLAIL the entire
morning, all the while, I am trying to get ready for work. She would not eat. She would not let me do her hair. She would not put on sock or shoes. I would drop her off at the sitter a MESS
myself. I felt like she HATED me and I
was leaving her totally frazzled and upset and wondering what in the world I
had gotten myself in to. I was going to
work crying almost every morning.
Dropping her off like that was AWFUL.
I didn’t see much of a change with therapy. We did our time and I just hoped that maybe
as school started she would begin to ‘out grow’ these behaviors.
Emma’s 1st
week of Kindergarten. We had just gotten Belley.
Kindergarten started.
The first few weeks were fine.
She loved school, she was making friends, her teacher didn’t seem to
have any concerns. About a month in…the
honeymoon was OVER. Emma was getting her
folder signed CONSTANTLY. She was in
trouble everyday for SOMETHING. Her school
work was not up to par and she was really struggling academically. Getting up in the morning was AWFUL. I dreaded it.
She would scream and cry and flail and I was literally having to just
get her dressed, put her in the car and go.
I would drop her off and leave her crying at her Before/After School
care (yes we did switch later on in the semester to the bus- it changed a
little then but not much) because I had
to keep a job. I cried every morning on
the way to work. I began to be afraid
that if something happened to me during the day, my daughter probably wouldn’t
even think I liked her because our mornings were SO bad. When we would get home, if Emma wanted to do
something, I better let her do it. If I
didn’t, I was going to deal with a 45 minute temper tantrum. (There were days that
I would count up to 20 of these.)
Screaming, crying, throwing things, hitting me, hitting herself, hitting
the wall, slamming doors, kicking, biting, hitting her head on the wall, you name it…the temper tantrum had it. It was awful.
I could lock myself in my room, but if I did that…she would beat on the
door to the point that I really thought it was going to break. So normally, I would just cry too. She wouldn’t stop until she was ready and
there was no consoling her. Obviously
she was not having these fits at school, but she was showing other behaviors at
school that were unacceptable. She was
hitting and kicking, not following directions, blurting out, not finishing work
(even ripping it in half and saying she wasn’t going to do it), not staying in
her seat…the list goes on.
By December, I was a WRECK.
I hated parenting. Let me say
this again, I HATED PARENTING. I loved
Emma. I just didn’t understand why she
didn’t respond to consequences. Why nothing was bad enough for her to change
what she was doing. Why I had to punish
myself to punish her. I had decided I
was just a failure. I shouldn’t have
been a Mom. God clearly did not cut me
out to be one. I knew if I told people
how bad it was, they would give me a list of all of the things I should do,
even though, I knew I had done them all and they were NOT WORKING.
Jonathan picked Emma up from school on Wednesdays. One Wednesday afternoon, I got that dreaded
phone call.
“Crystal.”
“Yes.” (I was waiting for it. He knew I was at work.)
“Emma’s teacher met me at the car today. Emma hasn’t gotten her sticker all week. She got her folder signed again today. She apparently had a horrible day. She is going to call you, but she said
something about maybe putting her on a behavior plan. Do you know what that
is?”
YES, I know what that
is…I am a Special Education Teacher.
This is a DREADED WORD. How did
we get here? I don’t care if it’s a SPED
Behavior Plan or just a Behavior Plan…its BAD.
“Ok. We will talk
when I get home. Don’t make a big deal about it.”
I hung up the phone and started sobbing. It was totally, FOR SURE, now I was a TERRIBLE parent. I had failed my child. This had DEFINITELY proved my feelings true.
I called Emma’s pediatrician that afternoon. I made an appointment, crying my eyes out, telling
her I had some concerns and telling her what they were. We were able to get in within a few days.
All About Children’s Pediatrics in McKinney is AMAZING. They have a beautiful, wonderful, office, and
their staff, Doctors and Nurses, Receptionists, etc. are JUST AS
WONDERFUL. We went to our
appointment. Jennifer (PA) and her nurse
were fabulous. They both spent MORE THAN
ENOUGH time with me…talking…asking questions…getting every detail…meeting
Emma…talking to Emma….as you can CLEARLY see…I am a talker so there were NO
short answers. At one point in the
conversation, it went something like this,
“Crystal, what do you want to do?”
Through sobs, “I don’t know. I really don’t care. Drug her.
Just DO SOMETHING. I can’t live
like this anymore and I am sure she can’t either. It’s not fair. Nothing I do is working. I am miserable and she has to be miserable.”
I can still hear her saying this to me at this moment,
“Crystal, I can’t do that.
You are not a failure. We will
find out what’s wrong. You are right,
this isn’t normal, but I promise it’s GOING TO BE OK. You are doing the right thing because you are
HERE.”
Is it going to be
ok? Does my child HATE me? Will she ever NOT be in trouble? No lady, listen, you don’t get it. I can’t even go to the grocery store…and I
mean CAN’T…you think of those kids you see and hear and you want to
strangle…multiply that by 100 and you have Emma…it is NOT going to be ok.
At the time, those words meant nothing to me. I was mad at her. I was mad that she couldn’t help me RIGHT
THEN. I had been dealing with this
CRAZINESS for 4 years. I wanted to be
able to go to the grocery store, go out to eat, have phone conversation with my
friends, my mom, not send my child off to school crying EVERY.DAY, not go to
work crying EVERY.DAY, I wanted her to be successful in school, I wanted her to
get a sticker…just everyday for ONE WEEK, I wanted to be able to go out in
public and not be embarrassed or have to leave my cart with my child chasing me
SCREAMING and EVERYONE giving me the death stare…I just wanted to be a mom,
with a kid that had ‘normal, age appropriate behaviors…I didn’t want perfect…I
knew from the get-go…I had not signed up for perfect.
I wanted to enjoy being a Mommy, I wanted to
LOVE being with my daughter, and not just be counting down to the next
disaster.
Jennifer told me that she thought we needed to have ADHD
Testing done. She gave me a list of
referrals and told me to start calling them because it would be difficult to
find someone to take our insurance. She
told me that we were going to do this the ‘right way’ and get a medical
diagnosis and this is where we were going to start.
This was in January 2011.
I got on the phone immediately to see if I could get in
anywhere and ASAP. Everyone had to call
me back or contact my insurance. I
waited patiently (but not so much). I
finally found someone to take my insurance and she was also the top Doctor
recommended by Jennifer. I talked to Dr.
Hamm and she was so sweet and understanding.
Spring Break was just around the corner and I just knew we could knock
this out SOON. Well, no. There was a
waiting list until June. The first time
she could even see me, just me, for the initial appointment was in Mid-June.
You.have.got.to.be.kidding.me.
Again,LADY, I JUST
WANT TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE. CALL MY FRIEND THAT LIVES IN BOSTON AND
ACTUALLY TALK TO HER. TO SEND EMMA OFF
TO SCHOOL HAPPY, JUST ONE TIME, BEFORE SUMMER.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
I made the appointment and I waited.
Then it happened again.
That dreaded phone call, this time from Emma’s teacher.
“Hi, Crystal. We need
to schedule an ARD for Emma.”
(She is considered a Special Education Student because she
receives Speech Therapy Services.)
‘Ok. What for? It’s not time for that yet.”
“Well, I really don’t think Emma is progressing as she
should, we are at the end of the year, and I really think we need to consider
holding her back.”
HOLDING HER BACK? THIS IS THE CHILD WHO CAN GET AROUND DALLAS
BY HERSELF. SHE GOT JONATHAN TO MESQUITE
WHEN GRANDPA DIED AND HE COULDN’T CALL BECAUSE MY PHONE WAS DEAD. SHE REMEMBERS EVERYTHING…INCLUDING THAT THE
ELEPHANT AT THE CIRCUS PAINTS AND SHE HAS’NTBEEN TO THE CIRCUS SINCE SHE WAS
TWO. SHES SMART. I KNOW SHE IS. REPEAT KINDERGARTEN? COME ON.
“Ok. Lets schedule
it. I will take off work to be there.”
I was DEVESTATED.
This would crush Emma. I wanted
to do what was best for her, however, she was already so excited about 1st
grade and I just didn’t feel in my gut that this would be the right thing for
her. The meeting was the next week. I told myself I was not going to go in there
and cry the entire time. I am sad to
say, I was TOTALLY THAT MOM.
I bawled
like a baby. I have been so impressed
with everyone at Emma’s school. Allen
ISD and Evans Elementary is AMAZING.
There ARE still FANTASTIC Public Districts out there…trust me. We met for what seemed like an eternity. They assured me that Emma was a ‘good
candidate for retention’ but that I didn’t HAVE TO do this. I was so torn. It was clear she was behind and I certainly
didn’t want her to struggle through the 1st grade. Her Principal chimed in in a moment of
silence and said,
“Crystal. This is
your decision. We have to think about
the whole child here. If you think that
this will crush her spirit then maybe this isn’t the best decision.”
I left that meeting that day, and made the decision for Emma
to repeat Kindergarten. I was so
sad. I felt like a complete
failure. COMPLETE.FAILURE. What had I
done wrong? In my heart, I didn’t think
it was the right thing, but with how much she had struggled, what option did I
really have. Emma’s Kindergarten teacher
was PHENOMENAL and I knew Emma would be with her again, so this did give me
some peace. When I say some, I mean VERY
little.
There was not that much time until school was out. I made the decision to not tell Emma a thing
about this and to just let her enjoy her last days of Kindergarten. As the weeks went by, and I was losing sleep
over this decision, Emma started telling EVERYONE about how she was about to be
in the 1st grade.
Mom, I think you made
the wrong move here. Follow your
heart. You are her Mommy and you know
her better than anybody. ‘If it’s going
to crush her spirit,’ don’t do it. Thank
you, Mrs. Hale, for saying that to me.
I quickly made a phone call to see if we could amend her
ARD. I knew what the suggestion was BUT
I was also VERY hopeful that this upcoming testing would give me the answer I
had so DESPERATELY been waiting for. It
was a scary limb to go out on. I am a
teacher. I know that as a teacher, I
would want a parent to hear and understand my suggestion. I didn’t want anyone to think that I didn’t
understand or didn’t value their professional opinion or the data they
had. I KNEW it was all VERY VALID and
true and that I may be setting Emma and I both up for failure, once again, BUT
I was going to fight through it.
If you know me, you
KNOW that I am a fighter, and I don’t ‘go down’ easily. If we were going to ‘fail’ Kindergarten, we
were going to do our best to get out first.
I made the change and was fully supported by her teacher,
the Principal, her Speech Therapist, and the other people that had been working
with her. I whole heartedly hope they
know how much it meant to me that they supported this decision. It made a world of difference for this Mommy
to know that they were going to back me and help Emma as much as they
could. Again, FABULOUS SCHOOL…we are SO
blessed.
Sorry, Mimi, it may be
the one thing that keeps us in McKinney a LONG time…it truly is
PHENOMENAL.
Kindergarten Graduation was so special. Emma was glowing she was so excited. We bought a new cute dress and I didn’t have
to cry because she would be doing it again next year.
Mid June rolled around and I was able to go in and meet with
Dr. Hamm for the first time. She was so
sweet and understanding. I told her
about the original diagnosis and she agreed that this route of testing was a
good way to go. She told me that during
the test (its consists of 6-8 tests), they would test for Learning Disabilities
also. I was able to give in depth
descriptions of Emma and answer a TON of questions. At this point, we were able to schedule the
actual testing date. This could not
happen until the end of July.
GREAT. IT’S SUMMER.
HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP AT A DECENT TIME? I AM SO TIRED OF FIGHTING THE BED BATTLE.
EMMA WON’T GO TO BED. SHE SERIOUSLY
SOMETIMES STAYS UP UNTIL WELL AFTER MIDNIGHT.
I.AM.TIRED. I NEED A QUIET
MINUTE TO MYSELF. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO
GO DO FUN THINGS THIS SUMMER. I DON’T WANT TO BE A SHUT-IN. DOES ANYBODY HEAR ME OR CARE? I PROMISE…this
is NOT normal behavior. ISN’T THERE AN
EMERGENCY LIST OR SOMETHING. PLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEEE. I HAVE BEEN WAITING SINCE JANUARY.
P.S. SHE ALMOST GOT HELD BACK IN
KINDERGARTEN. THIS.IS.AN.EMERGENCY.
Jonathan and I dropped Emma off for her testing at
Children’s Pediatrics of Dallas on July 18.
It was going to take a couple of hours so we went to North Park to pass
the time. When we got back, Dr. Hamm
practically met me at the door. She
said, very nicely, but quickly, and I could tell she was GLAD TO SEE ME.
“Testing went well. Emma turned off the computer, so we had
to start that test over. Ok. I’ll call you when we can schedule you to
come back and get the results. Bye.”
I FINALLY got the call to get the results for August 9th. At this point, no big deal. I was praying to not have to go back to work
at Dallas ISD and I didn’t have another job yet…so this would fit perfectly
into the summer schedule, even though I was SCREAMING in my head…
I HAVE BEEN WAITING SINCE JANUARY…. IT’S AUGUST.
IT’S OK THOUGH BECAUSE… AUGUST 9TH IS THE DAY. THE DAY I had
been waiting for since that initial appointment in January where we got the
referral.
THE DAY got here.
Emma was at Theater Camp and Tausha was able to keep her after so I
could go in for the results.
TRUST ME…if they say
this is NOT the problem…there is going to be another PROBLEM. PLEASE, GOD, LET ME GET THE ANSWER. PLEASE.
PLEASE.
I went in to meet with Dr. Hamm. She went over every single test with me. Some were written, some were computer based,
one was where Emma looked at a picture and then had to turn it over and draw
what she saw, one was an IQ test…she went over every single line and page with
me.
Her IQ was average to above average in every area.
Why did she struggle
so much in Kindergarten. This is crazy!
The last page was a graph.
It was a bar graph with 2 lines.
The top line was the ‘Clinical Line (meaning ADHD) and the bottom line
was the ‘NonClinical Line (meaning NO ADHD).
Dr. Hamm told me this and then just handed me the graph and didn’t say a
word.
I sat in silence. As
you can see (in my not so good picture) the ADHD line took up the ENTIRE
graph. I looked at Dr. Hamm and
smiled.
“Well, I guess there’s no denying this diagnosis.”
“No, I don’t think so.
I think it’s pretty clear.”
99.9% Clinical Diagnosis of ADHD. Practically off the
charts. There it is. Thank you, God, for this answer. We can deal with this. At this point, this probably even means the
SID was never really even the issue. She
was just too young to diagnose with ADHD.
I had to make an appointment to plan the route of treatment
for Emma with Jennifer at AACP. At this
point, I had gotten my job in Richardson so I was going to beg and plead to get
in before I had to go back to work in 3 DAYS.
They were able to schedule me for Monday morning.
I took Emma to see Jennifer.
I had already dropped off the paperwork and Dr. Hamm had already faxed
it to her so the goal was to talk about treatment.
Jennifer began by telling me how FABULOUS Emma was.
“Emma is fantastic.
She is pretty and funny and sweet and personable and funny. She clearly loves people. She wants to do good. She is so loving and caring. Crystal, you do understand that kids with
this severe of ADHD do not usually posses these qualities?”
YES. DEFINITELY.
I WORK WITH THEM DAILY. TRUST
ME. I KNOW.
“Do you know what you are thinking of doing for treatment?”
Don’t judge me…here
it comes. So from here…just hear me
out. Let me finish.
“Well, yes. I mean,
medication is the ONLY option, right? I
really can’t imagine that anything else would work.”
Jennifer looked at me like I was crazy. I am pretty certain she doesn’t get this
response from many parents. I was ok
with that.
“Well, in my opinon, no there isn’t. I just want to make sure YOU are ok with
this.”
“Yes, I want to help my daughter. I am VERY ok with this.”
“That being said, I don’t want to change ANYTHING about Emma
but her behavior. All of those things I
said about her before, I mean. I want to
keep the little girl that we have and just fix the behaviors. If you are ok with medication…”
YES. I AM OK.
YOU CAN GIVE HER AN IV RIGHT NOW IF YOU WANT…TRUST ME…I AM FINE. I HAVE WAITED 9 MONTHS FOR THIS DIAGNOSIS AND
NOW I JUST WANT A SOLUTION. I WANT TO
HELP MY DAUGHTER.
“…then I want to start with a very small dose. I don’t think its going to work…but we can
give it a try and see what happens. If
you don’t see a pretty immediate change, call me, and we will change it. “
We started that day on 5mg.
We went to Euless to see Alexis and Crew and I was pretty excited to
tell her about our new journey…although after about 5 minutes I did say, “I
don’t think its working.” I know,
patience, Mom, patience.
I was starting work the next day so I let my Mom know I
needed every detail of Emma’s behavior over the next few days. There seemed to be no change.
My favorite part of that few days was when I called Aunt Brittany to check on her. Conversation went like this,
“Hey! How’s Emma? Any
better? Notice anything different?”
“Ummm…no we are at the mall…EMMA…I’ve got to go.”
“Ok…Ill call the doctor. “
I am pretty sure she didn’t hear me say that though.
I called and left a message in which I got an immediate
response to.
Jennifer wanted me to keep up the 5 mg until Saturday
morning. On Saturday morning, I was to
start giving her 10 mgs everyday. I agreed to this plan.
On Saturday morning, we got up and I gave Emma her meds.
10 mg
Those words mean something else to me now.
10mg means a LIFE CHANGED.
I am here to tell you that we have a different home and life
than we have had in 6 years. Emma is
happy and thriving and FEELS BETTER (she tells me all the time). We have conversations. She does chores. She WEARS SOCKS. She WEARS JEANS. We go to bed at a decent time. We get up happy. She gets ready…HERSELF. I do her hair EVERYDAY. There are no more tears from Mommy or Emma
EVERY morning. We eat breakfast together
and don’t have to rush around. We go out to eat…and sit for 2 hours with NO
DISASTERS. We go to the grocery
store…and she’s HELPFUL. She puts her
dishes away. She doesn’t hit or kick or
bite. She stays in her seat at
school. She gets good grades. She has gotten her sticker EVERYDAY (and we
are in week 4 of school.) I can have a
quiet minute all by myself daily. She
brings me her medicine EVERY morning and takes it…no fights. She does her homework. She reads My friends and family see a huge
change in her and are amazed. I get phone calls about the amazing
difference the teachers have seen in her at school. (True story- even happened today- from the
school counselor.) There have been 3
fits…that’s right THREE…since August 7….OH and they lasted less than 5
minutes.
Emma with Kip. Our new Maltese puppy.
I love my daughter and I LOVE parenting. I love celebrating victories everyday. I love knowing that I am not a failure and
neither is Emma. I love knowing that I
was willing to do whatever it took to make her successful and happy and to make
sure that she reaches her full potential in life.
Please hear this. I
DID NOT WRITE THIS to get on a soap box about medicating your child. I have always said I would never do it. I know PLENTY of people that do it the
absolute wrong way. THAT is the reason
why medication has such a bad rap. You
NEVER hear the success stories…only stories about kids that are overly
medicated and DRUGGED OUT all the time.
I write this to say…there is hope.
If you go about it all the CORRECT WAY..it CAN BE life changing. I also want to give other parents hope. I want people to know that they are NOT
alone. I want to be transparent about my
HONEST feelings as a parent and for people to know that its ok to share that
life IS NOT perfect and that there are STRUGGLES..and even that maybe there was
a time where you considered just pulling the car over and getting out and
screaming for a while.
Emma started 1st grade and it has been a TOTAL
success.
First day of 1st
grade
(This may stay on the
fridge forever!)
(Never mind that she
drew all over this with Sharpie. At
least it’s on paper and not the walls!)
In my life, I have never chosen the easy road. I have always fought the good fight and
proved people wrong that I know were determined that I would fail.
I was never a failure as a parent.
Emma was given to me to make me a better parent. Emma was given to me to make me a better
person. God knew what he was doing when
He gave me her and I am so thankful that I am blessed enough to be her
Mommy.
Folks, don’t get me wrong.
Emma still gets in trouble…but it’s for talking back…not for throwing a
screw at my brand new flat screen TV in a fit and cracking the screen…yes its
true.
10mg. A new
journey. A new life. Love and happiness that we have never known. It’s that simple.
Oh and remember that elephant painting at the circus I told
about…we went this summer and she actually won the elephant painting. I think that’s pretty neat.
I love you, Emma.
There is NOTHING that we can’t get through together with God.
Its Saturday. I am editing and adding pictures and getting
this ready to be posted. This morning, E
and I went to get my eyebrows waxed.
Would you believe that I didn’t have to jump up EVEN ONCE with wax
strips on my face? Its true. The victories just keep coming.
CRYSTAL (Emma's Mommy)
